Mairead's Jonathon Ross transcript Forwarded with Mairead's kind permission. J ------- David Duchovny Guest Star on ‘Friday Night with Jonathan Ross’ BBC1 4th June 2004 at 2235 Transcript by Mairéad NB. The audience laughed throughout the interview but where I mention them laughing they were laughing even more enthusiastically. JR [Jonathan Ross] ‘Shall we see who is stewing nervously on my forecourt tonight‘. [JR uses the word ‘forecourt’ because he had previously been making jokes about the recent increase in petrol prices in the UK] ‘My first guest is one of the sexiest stars in Hollywood, equally loved by ladies and nerds, its David Duchovny ’ [We can see David in the green room, actually its red, he is unshaven and dressed in a brown suit and cream shirt, no tie, the first couple of buttons on the shirt are undone. David looks gorgeous but is clearly jet-laggedexhausted]. David is caught unawares and smiles as he waves, with a delightful smile on his face, as Jonathan continues his introduction from the next room. JR Waving at him how are you DD ‘I am Fine thanks’ Ross ‘For nine years he was Fox Mulder and unravelled all the mysteries of the universe on the X Files apart, of course, how to get into Scully’s knickers. But what a great star he is. David’s jaw drops at what Jonathan just said. He briefly covers his face with his hand [but smiling all the time obviously enjoying the joke]. Jonathan goes on to introduce the other people in the green room Lucy Davis [UK edition of The Office, Patrick Stewart and the band Supergrass. After introducing them separately he says ‘What a great green room we have We have the bald spaceship captain [theme for poor Patrick‘s interview lol], the fearless alien hunter (DD) [and so on]. Jonathan goes on to tell a joke about how you know when you have arrived in show business and began to talk about a quiz show [this is important for DD later] where a team of gay contestants were asked which Radio DJ they wanted to wake up beside. They picked him [Ross] out of the three names. Talking about gay show business is the lead in to introduce DD and ‘Connie & Carla’ Ross ‘David Duchovny ladies and gentlemen’ We see David get up from his chair and begin to make his way through the green room into the main studio where Jonathan is waiting to shake hands with him. Jonathan has a gay studio ensemble of singers and a pianist that start to sing Catatonia’s ‘Mulder & Scully’ They are wearing T-Shirts with Patrick Stewart on their fronts. As David sits on the sofa he looks back at the musicians in acknowledgement. The audience are cheering his arrival loudly as they did when they saw him in the green room. [The green room is often shown on a screen throughout the programme]. Ross ‘I have been wanting to have Mr. David Duchovny on my show for the longest time. I have been a huge fan of yours not just for your acting but also when I have seen you make talk show appearances in the States I have enjoyed that DD Thank you. I am glad I am the first guest on because I would be pretty drunk by the time I got out here [lots of drinks in the green room lol]] Ross ‘That happens. [on the show] Are you a heavy drinker’ DD ‘No I am a light-weight‘. Ross ‘What is your drink of choice’ DD ‘aah Whatever is in front of me’ Ross ‘You are British in that respect.’ DD ‘Yeah‘ DD ‘I am half-Jewish and half-Scottish so I have the desire but not the constitution Ross ‘But that is probably a good combination‘. DD ‘Yeah. I will never pick up the tab ...’ [couldn’t catch the rest] Ross ‘Do you feel Scottish’ DD ‘Sorry’ Ross ‘Are you conscious of your Scottish half, do you feel you are’ DD ‘Yes I feel that I am, I feel that I am, whatever that means. I feel Scottish’ Ross ‘Well your mom is Scottish. Is that right’ DD Yes Ross ‘Do you feel the urge to wear Tartan, Do you go back to the Emerald Isles ever’ [Actually the Emerald Isle is Ireland but they are basically of the same Celtic stock] DD Looks slightly confused and a bit frustrated, but in a humorous way, at differences in nuances and meanings [really cute] and says ‘See the trouble is I know you are being funny but I don’t know how.’ [Jonathan was kind of testing to see if DD had any sort of sentimental longings for the ‘old country’ [Scotland] which some American tourists display in Scotland and Ireland as if they and not their ancestors had emigrated. But he backed off when caught out by DD lol] Jonathan replied ‘The sad thing is Neither do I’ David laughs and the audience laughs with them. Ross [to audience] ‘David is over here ... he is only in the UK for the shortest time because’ [turning back to DD] ‘you are over here to talk about your film, as part of your European tour is that right’ DD ‘Yeah except’ [using his index finger he starts to graphically outline a journey in mid air] ‘the European tour starts out in London and it ends in London’ [only London] Ross ‘That’s kind of all the big cities right there, I think’ DD ‘Yeah we are running a gamut from London to London.’ Ross OK well this film opens 11th June. I was very much looking forward to it I very much enjoyed it. Is it written by and starring Nia Vardalos’ DD ‘Yes, yes it is‘. Ross ‘Is that the correct pronunciation of her name’ DD Vardalos yeah Ross [to audience] this is the young woman who wrote and starred in ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ Which was a tremendous film. DD David nods ‘huge! ‘ Ross ‘This is her second movie. You are with her in it. What is the film about’ DD ‘Ah gee ... its about these two women Toni Collette, who is an amazing actress, and Nia witness a murder ... but it is a funny murder ... a comedy murder. They are seen by the comedy killers and they have to go into hiding because they don’t want to be killed by the comedy killers in a funny way. and also it is established that they are musical theatre enthusiasts which I’m sure you are [turning to Jonathan] and I know that you are’ [turning back to the studio musicians who nod in agreement]. audience laughs ‘ So they go on the run and they end up in LA where they realise their dreams of doing theatre every night when they both go undercover as drag queens. Ross ‘So it is quite a complicated and convoluted plot’ DD ‘The way I am telling it - it is’ Ross ‘But presumably you only had to deal with the part your character is in.’ [joking] DD ‘I only read the pages where my character is.’ Ross To audience ‘here is a clip of David in Connie and Carla. [Same promotional clip we have seen in most interviews] Ross You make a good gay. DD [amused] Oh my, thank you Ross So lets talk about the film Ross You know the way you were doing that there [waving his hand around effetely like in the film clip where David‘s character was taking off the drag queens] DD David well you know I can loosen it up a bit Ross you are relaxed with it DD yeah Ross You have ‘dragged’ up in the past DD [interrupting him] By the way you are the radio talk show host I would most like to wake up to in the morning [see reference at beginning of transcript] Audience laughter] Ross Throws his head back and laughs and says ‘God Bless you for that’ Ross So let me get this right ... the girls get to play drag queens but you are a straight man who kinda ... gets intrigued thinking she is a drag queen DD ‘Well my brother is a drag queen and I am trying to figure out what makes my brother tick in a kind of way ... so’ Ross ‘So you get close to the heart of Dragdom’ DD ‘Yes I am on a journey to the heart of dragdom’ Ross ‘In Twin Peaks many years ago you did drag up yourself. DD Yes I did Ross You made a very convincing drag artiste I felt’ DD ‘Well thanks I shaved .. Ross pointing at a screen behind DD ‘We have a photograph there of you. We have...’ DD turning round sees a photo of himself from Twin Peaks [headshot - DD smiling in make-up and long hair] ‘Oh Geez! Ross ‘You know think Celine Dion in watching that would say that’s a good-looking woman - I wish I looked as good as that.’ DD ‘I think I look like Chewbacca’ [in the photo which is of poor quality] Ross ‘I only ever dragged up once which was under some duress for a party and afterwards sex with my wife, obviously. [DD grins] DD ‘That’s what happened when I did drag. ... Ross ‘Was it a comfortable experience’ DD ... with your wife’ Ross smiles and also slightly shakes his head. Ross ‘Lets talk about working though ... working with Nia ... here’s someone who had a huge hit with My Big Fat Greek Wedding and I get the impression that this is not that dissimilar to the person she plays in this. Warm and... DD ‘She is ... Ross ‘Had you fun with her ... good chemistry on set’ DD ‘Very much because Nia is very playful and game, alive to anything that could happen in the moment. So when you are acting with someone like that it feels alive when you are doing it.’ Ross ‘Did you get on well with her off camera I mean did you hang out with her at all’ DD ‘A little bit. I mean when I first got to the set she had abused my trailer. She had put toilet paper all over it. Ross ‘She did this to make you feel welcome on your first day’ DD yeah, yeah I guess that was it. So I really did the only thing a man could do in response to that. I immediately took a Polaroid of my bare ass and then I sent my assistant out to get a dildo soap on a rope. DD Pauses and says to Jonathan ‘You're speechless look at you. Bear with me I’m getting there. [Jonathan’s grin gets wider and wider]. DD ‘I buried them in her trailer. I waited for her to leave her trailer. I then went in to her trailer and got her purse and I buried my bare ass and the dildo deep in her purse knowing she wouldn’t immediately find it. Hoping that when she would be paying a bill at some point ... throwing things out [of her purse] maybe in front of her husband and there goes my bare ass and the big dildo.’ Ross ‘What did happen Do you know when it was discovered’ DD ‘She never mentioned it’ Ross ‘I guess this was a regular occurrence.’ DD ‘Yeah but she is a very clean person’ Ross ‘Yes, I think it was a very nice way ... a nice way to give someone a gift of yourself like that‘. DD ‘Yeah it is a gift I suppose‘. Ross I occasionally push the boat out and do such a thing for a guest on my show. DD [misunderstanding] ‘Oh, oh you are prompting me.. sorry ... Thank You!’ [and makes a gesture going to shake his hand but sits back and laughs] Ross ‘Check your top pocket’ DD goes to check his top inside pocket Ross your outside pocket DD Exclaims ‘Oh as he finds something in his pocket. He takes them out and quickly glances and holds them in his lap laughing out loud the audience laugh with him. Ross See, see now doesn’t that make you feel at home. DD holds the photos up for the audience to see. Two Polaroid shots of Jonathan mooning with his pants down. DD chucks them in to the audience one by one. Ross ‘Now hold on you just took someone’s eye out with a picture of my backside. I don’t know which one of us is legally responsible for that.’ DD ‘ I’m sorry did I hit somebody [The audience answers ‘no‘] Did Jonathan’s ass cut somebody I didn’t know Jonathan’s ass was so aerodynamic.’ Ross ‘David Duchovny is a fine figure of a man’ [David laughs] He used to surf on a regular basis’ DD ‘no, no only a few times’ Ross ‘Did you, I thought you were a good surfer’ DD ‘No I’m not’ Ross ‘Okay we have a few photographs of David’s fine physique from many years ago.’ DD looks around wondering what was coming next. DD turns and sees on the screen two of the infamous teacup photos Ross ‘What now... David were you just warming the cup like you would warm the pot or ...’ DD ‘You know these should never have seen the light of day. We were just fooling around.’ Ross ‘ But that’s some goofing around you are doing there you know, you really have ... you really have made an extra bit of effort there I feel Ross ‘I mean many of us have a mug holder at home’ DD ‘Sadly it is a fashion trend that never caught on’ Ross ‘Well it is a good luck mug!’ DD ‘Yeah thank you’ Ross Do like being over here though. Do you like the UK Do you like travelling DD ‘I love it, I don’t come here enough’ Ross You don’t come here that much. DD ‘No’ Ross I guess you have more time to travel now that you are no longer tied up with the X Files. How long were you filming that for How big a part of your life did that take up DD ’ The X Files Ah almost a decade I mean probably from the audition to the end at least nine years but almost a decade.’ Ross ‘Were you getting bored with the role afterwards or was it the workload. What prompted you to move on from it’ DD ‘It wasn’t really boredom it was more like just a feeling that we had done everything we could with the show. I had always wanted to kind of carry it to a movie franchise so that it wouldn’t just dominate our lives in the same way.’ Ross ‘It kind of got to the stage with the series effort where you felt that not only was it repeating itself but it had lost its way a little bit.’ DD ‘Well sure I think that’s only natural ... you are talking about the kind of a show that needs an idea to sustain it every week that’s like a movie idea, it wasn’t just a soap opera. The pressure on the writers is intense and it’s hard not to repeat yourself or lose your way. Ross ‘The X Files Movie I liked the X Files film - the first one that came out, it was a success as well wasn’t it’ DD ‘Oh yeah a big success’ Ross ‘I was surprised they didn’t follow up with a sequel’ DD ‘I think that they are going to, You know it’s either they have been waiting for people to miss it. I don’t even know how long it’s been off the air in England but it’s only been off a couple of years in the States’ Ross ‘Not that long’ DD ‘Yeah’ Ross ‘But when you left it - it wasn’t kind of the same’ DD ‘Thank you for saying that’ Ross ‘Its true though’ DD ‘Thank you for saying that’ Ross ‘Really I meant it’ DD ‘Thank you.’ Ross They have conventions [X Files] of course and we have Patrick Stewart on the show and he no doubt he will be aware of that with the Star Trek following. But presumably you get invited to the [X Files] conventions DD Yeah presumably Ross But you have haven’t been DD Shaking his head ‘No I haven’t been’ Ross ‘Why would you not want to go’ DD ‘I don’t know, I don’t see myself there. Its no slight to the fans or the conventions it’s just that....’ Ross Well I think it is. If I was a fan I would say I want to see Duchovny. Come on Duchovny; come up to the convention. If you are not off surfing or with a teacup or something I don’t know. In your spare time. DD whips round to see if the teacup photos are on the screen again but they are not. Ross [as fan] I don’t want to see anyone else I want to see the star of the show. Here’s the deal... DD ‘I am not promising will be there, at least I am not promising I am there’ Ross ’ Never mind that DD laughing I don’t even know if there are conventions, I don’t know what we are arguing about. Ross ... I will organise one you go to it Ross ‘What is wrong with you’ DD ‘A Lot.’ Ross Give a little back DD ‘I am giving back’ Ross ‘You are not giving back’ DD ‘I am giving back! In my own special way’ Ross ‘I want you to go to a convention or else I will be very cross and believe me you wouldn’t like to see me when I am cross.’ DD ‘You are bullying me’ Ross ‘That’s right no more videogames until Christmas. That’s what I told my little boy this week’ DD ‘Oh’ and looks expectantly at Ross perhaps he thinks Ross will talk about the X Files game or XIII but he doesn’t it is a lead in to talk about DD’s family Ross ‘You have become a father twice over I believe‘. DD ‘My daughter has just turned five and my son will be two in a couple of weeks’ Ross ‘How lovely. Are you enjoying all that the whole father thing’ DD yeah the whole thing is so mysterious and lovely Ross ‘Are you a stern father’ DD ‘No I don’t think so I mean it hasn’t got to the point where there is ..... Ross ‘Two and five I guess not’ DD ‘You know you can’t ... there is no logic with those ages’ Ross Your wife is Tea Leoni DD Téa Ross ‘Yes the lovely Téa Leoni. Both actors, both performers the children I’d imagine will want to follow you in there. DD ‘Well whatever they want to do I won’t push them in that direction. My son is just learning to speak we don’t know what kind of a guy he is going to be. He is very insistent though and he chants a lot. He doesn’t know many words and he mangles them. His favourite word at the moment is motorcycle and he calls it mogykle, mogykle and he knows he is mispronouncing it. And if you say right mogykle. He will keep on repeating mogykle until you say motorcycle. DD also recalls a story about Millar saying Fieckit for fix it. One time Millar was saying it in the back of the car and DD thinking he was saying f..k it said ‘I couldn’t agree with you more Buddy’ Ross Laughing I want to end with this great clip from the X Files Shows the clip from Tooms where Mulder has gone underneath the escalator into Toom’s nest of scrap paper and bile and then when he escapes and starts off the escalator which crushes Tooms leaving blood on the escalator steps. Ross Audience claps as the clip finishes ‘Thank you! You’ve got to love the X Files’ DD ‘That was the first year of the show a long time ago’ Ross ‘Well series nine is finally out on DVD I know that. DD [still referring to the clip] ‘That was probably eleven years ago’ Ross ‘David it was lovely having you here and good luck with Connie and Carla. Please do come back again’ DD ‘Thank you I will, it was a real pleasure being here.’ Ross ‘David Duchovny Everyone‘. To David as he shakes his hand ‘I will see you later.’ When Patrick Stewart is being interviewed afterwards he is talking at one point about a recent survey about the top 25 most important Sci Fi shows in entertainment history. He turns to look at the screen which is showing the green-room and says Star Trek made number one Sorry David’ David smiles. When neither Patrick nor David are being interviewed they hang out in the green room with the other guests.